Chapter 5: I Am Legend
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Linking Park - In the End
Monday, March 7, 2016.
Sample Tinder conversation
Me: Let’s meet.
Her: Sure, tomorrow?
Her: You have other dates? ;)
Me: Erm… yeah!
My current target was Olga. I think she was called Olga. I can’t be 100% sure because I had deleted her contact and unfriended her on Facebook the day after I fucked her. Oh, did I just spoil the end? Sorry!
We met for lunch. Her English was mediocre, but she spoke some French. Breast-wise, she was bigger than Masha, which came at the cost of a chubbier body. My goal was to bring those boobies home, strip them naked, and have them bounce for me. Can you imagine big boobs dancing at the sound of Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle alllll the waaaaaaay?
“Would you like to meet again?” I asked her after lunch.
“I’d love to,” she answered.
We didn’t plan what and where. I knew that I wanted to fuck her, but I hesitated to ask if that was what she wanted. Later this evening, I had a sudden Eureka moment.
Chat with Olga
Me: Do you like wine?
Olga: Yes, of course. I love red wine!
Me: How about I invite you over for dinner on Friday? We can have pasta with cheese and a good bottle of red wine!
So, when Elizabeth accepted my invitation to come home, she was also accepting to have sex. Was it the same with Olga?
Tuesday, March 8.
Chat with Masha
Masha: What are you doing tomorrow?
Masha: Wanna go work together at the library?
Me: I can’t because I caught a cold. Maybe you can pass by?
Masha: I can pass by now.
Me: Okay! Oh, could you bring some food?
Me: I don’t have anything at home, and I’m hungry!
She came in an hour later with a bag of pelmeni. It’s a traditional Russian dish which is basically pasta-like balls with meat inside. She taught me how to prepare them, and after we ate, she worked on her computer while I watched a movie. But, right when I kissed her, she took her hands off her laptop and undressed me. A minute later, I was fucking her on the couch.
She was loud, the couch creaked, and I was sweating.
I rolled my eyes.
She came fast like last time, and I did not, as expected. She made me cum again with her magic oil and then she left.
Cheese and Wine
Friday, March 11.
Olga came, and after dinner, I suggested we watch a movie.
“Which one?” She asked.
“How about The Hobbit.”
“Yes, I love it,” she answered smiling.
I wanted to kiss her, but I hesitated. The movie started, the pasta was eaten, and the lights were still on. I stood up and turned them off, but instead of sitting down, I came behind her chair and rubbed her shoulders. She sent her hand to caress mine. At least, I knew she was not rejecting me. I pressed more then finally slid my hand around her neck. I raised her head and kissed her — the boring usual stuff.
While Bilbo groaned alone in his fight against the shadows of middle earth, Olga moaned in the bedroom.
But she was shy, and she resisted my initial attempts to uncover her big boobies — my prize. The problem is that I only cared about them. Not her face. Not her body. I knew that at some point we had to have sex. Because this is how things ought to happen. But, I would much prefer to play with those big breasts. So, I improvised.
I fucked her for a bit. Then, I hopped off the bed, dried my sweat with a towel, and asked her, “How about I use something on you?”
“I could blindfold you?”
“What do you think?”
“I never tried it before.”
“Wanna give it a shot?”
“Hmmm… why not!”
I blindfolded her, grabbed a rope, and tied her hands to the bed.
“Tease time,” I whispered in her ears which made her gasp. Her breasts were finally exposed to me, and she had no way of hiding them. I licked, sucked, and slapped them. And, I enjoyed hearing her moan. I probably fucked her in the meantime, but I could not find pleasure.
Bilbo had stopped fighting the orcs, so more than an hour passed. I removed the condom and blew my load on her breasts. We cuddled and fell asleep. In the morning, I could see the happiness radiating from her face. She insisted on inviting me for breakfast, but I was eager to see her leave. Now that I fucked her, I hated her face. Even though I wanted to tie her up, I didn’t enjoy her submissive nature.
I wasn’t horny, but…
I wanted more.
I needed more.
Saturday, March 12.
I met a girl at a cafe tonight who talked too much. At 10:30 p.m., she suggested we bounce to another pub. I had to pay 800 ruble. But, as soon as I put 1,000 rubles, she handed the bill to the waitress who told us in Russian that the money wasn’t enough.
At that moment, her face flipped upside down. She started making brusque movements: “I… I do not have enough cash!” she said. “Fuck… I’ll pay by card!”
The first credit card did not work. She searched her wallet for another which worked. Then, the silent of a cold bloody tomb fell.
I had the hint of a smile on my lips. “You didn’t expect that, did you?” I asked.
“No… not at all,” she answered. Her head was red. She did not look at me, but I felt her voice trembling. “I actually didn’t like it!”
I didn’t answer.
We grabbed our coats, and she stormed outside without looking behind her.
“So…” I said lifting my hand, trying to understand what the plan was, but then, I felt a rush of anger. Fuck her! I won’t make her a priority when I’m merely an option. And, I’m not her ‘free drinks’ Tinder buddy. I walked back to the metro station. But right when I got there, she showed up out of nowhere.
“Did you just leave?” she asked. I noticed tears forming up around her eyes.
I felt guilty and ashamed of what I did. “Look, I… I mean… you left without saying a word. I didn’t know what to do!”.
“So you just left?” she scolded.
But then, my hesitation turned to cold anger.
“You know what,” I said, “we’re grown-ups so let’s be honest. I don’t feel this is going to work, so let’s just… forget about it!”
“This is too much!” she said and walked towards the metro station.
Wait a minute. Why is she taking this station? I searched on Google maps and discovered that this was the station that would lead me back home and to the pub we were supposed to go to. In other words, I went in the right direction. What the fuck was wrong with her?
I waited five long minutes in the cold, hoping that, once I’d get inside the station, she’d be gone. I walked back home fearing that men might be looking for me and kick my ass. I only felt safe once I was home and double locked the door.
Sunday, March 13.
I met Tasha at the Gorky Park and We ate ‘blini’ which is some kind of Russian pancake they do for the maslinitsa — the beginning of the Easter fast. The park’s trees were naked, deprived of any leaves. The grass was muddy, and there were no flowers. It was ugly, so was the day.
While we were walking, Olga messaged me: “How are you? :)”
I deleted the message.
“What do you think of dating?” Tasha asked me.
“I think it’s complicated for me to date. I travel a lot, so I can’t easily maintain anything serious.”
Olga messaged me again. “Are you okay?”
I deleted the message and removed her from my contacts.
I felt constantly exhausted. I neglected house chores, and I spent most of my time playing “League of Legends,” an addictive online game. I played with friends who I only met online. The peer pressure was heavy, forcing me to play round after round for hours, non-stop.
During that time, I read online someone saying that his life was a wreck before he ‘figured out’ how to discipline himself. He mentioned meditation. He also recommended reading a book called Spark. It claims that exercise will improve the performance of the brain. I decided that sport was important. So, I tried the “7 min workout” twice per day. The resulting physical energy boost was motivating.
I also decided to stop gaming. But, because I was so addicted to it, I needed to ‘compensate’ with something else. So, I masturbated three, sometimes four times a day. This resulted in painful scratches on my genital’s skin. Even though it hurt, I still had a hard time stopping. I wanted to see more girls, but this situation demolished my self-confidence.
It did heal a week later, and, combined with the boost from the sports I did, I felt ready to get back in the game.