Chapter 1: There’s Always A First Time
How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
ColdPlay - Speed of Sound
At the age of 21, I was a geek who spent his time in the engineering lab writing code and playing computer games. Oh, and I was a virgin because I was too shy to approach women. I also lived with my parents, which is the norm in Beirut the capital of Lebanon where I was born and raised.
I skipped my graduation and instead went out with a girl and asked her, “Would you like to be my girlfriend’ish?”
“What’s with the ish?” she asked.
“I never had a girlfriend before, so I don’t know what I’m doing!”
Two days later, I removed the ‘ish’, we went out, and we kissed. My first kiss!
But, I realized that the magic of a first kiss is a myth and a big lie. The only concrete reality is my hard-on and my hunger for more. Now that I tasted a woman’s lips, I wanted a second kiss and a third. Then, that was not enough, and I wanted to touch her body. But, it was difficult because for us to have some intimacy, I had to find hidden spots where I’d park my car. There we’d kiss and touch hoping no one would catch us.
I never saw her naked, and two months later she broke up with me. But now that I knew what it felt like to be with a girl, I wanted more. I joined a startup as its co-founder and CTO, and I discovered alcohol and clubbing. But, I never got more than kissing girls on the dance floor, and I never found a woman to warm up my bed.
San Francisco, USA.
Right before I turned 23, I attended a 7-week long entrepreneurship program called “Draper University of Heroes” in California, USA. It was then that I discovered Tinder, but I never went out with girls because I was too busy with my startup. On the sixth week, I met Pim, a Taiwanese girl. Her English was mediocre, but I loved her face and the way she pursed her lips in the pictures. I wanted her, but I had no clue how to proceed. Once the Draper program was over, I spent another week in San Francisco to attend the 3-day ‘Dreamforce’ conference. I crashed at a friend’s place, so I still didn’t have my own room where I could invite Pim. Besides, I didn’t know what it felt like to share a bed with someone, so I wasn’t sure whether I really wanted it.
On the third day, I had dinner with her. But, I was exhausted and all I wanted was to lay my head on her shoulders and feel her soft hand caress my cheeks and let tears water my eyes hoping her fingers would wash them away.
We ate silently then went on a walk in the busy streets of San Francisco. We both had roommates making it impossible to have some ‘alone’ time. We climbed a steep road covered by trees on both sides, and I realized how sad I was, but that made me feel that I had nothing to lose. So, I stopped walking, dropped my backpack, and pulled her towards me. I kissed her right here, right now, and in a fraction of a second, I became alive again.
“I have an idea,” I messaged her later that night. “I need to find a place to stay for my last two days in town. How about we book a room together?”
I wanted to throw my phone away and vanish from the face of the earth, but I couldn’t resist looking at the screen again.
“Have you done that before?” she asked me.
“Ok,” I said my heart racing, “let’s do it.”
“Divaaaa!!” I texted my experienced gay friend. “I need your help, RIGHT NOW!”
“What’s going on, baby?”
“I… Well, I’m going to see this girl. I rented a place for both of us…”
“Oh. My. God! My little boy is going to lose his virginity!”
“Yes, yes… but… I never used a condom before!” I said nervously.
“Don’t you dare do anything without one, do you understand me?”
“Yes, I do. So, where do I get one from?”
“From any CVS. Get a Durex.”
“Does the taste matter?”
“Only if you are the one sucking ;)”
“Ah… Well, erm… No, thank you!”
“Sure thing baby. Make sure you try one at least before you are with her, okay?”
“Ok!” I said, but I didn’t bother trying one.
Two days later, Pim and I met at a pub, grabbed a beer and talked about nothing. I was as eager to delay the inevitable as she was to make it happen. Finally, at her request, we headed to the hotel. I paid 100$ for the two nights, even though we had agreed to split the bill.
She was not a virgin, so I hoped she would guide me. Unfortunately, I realized that she was shy and that it was going to have to be my job to take the initiative. I tried to take her shirt off, but she resisted. I insisted, and she reluctantly gave it away. I wanted to see her breasts, but she kept on blocking me until I turned the lights off.
I never removed a girl’s bra before, so she did it instead. She had big boobs, but I had no clue what I was supposed to do with them. I kissed them, and I sucked the nipples once or twice, but I was in a hurry to move to sex as soon as fucking possible. She went to the bathroom which gave me time to turn on the lights and read the manual that came with the condom. There was a picture describing the steps, but I couldn’t get my head around it — no pun intended, of course. The first condom broke, but I managed to get the second one in place. Pim came back and lay in the missionary position. Who the hell named it like this? Do you know? Was it a monk? A Pope maybe?
Now, where on earth is this hole I’m supposed to penetrate? Back then, I thought women had three holes. Don’t ask me where I got this image from. I probed and hit the wrong hole, and then I tried again and again until I found my way in. I moved frenetically, mimicking what I saw in porn. How long was I supposed to do this for? But, I wasn’t feeling any hints of pleasure, and I got annoyed when I started sweating. After all, I don’t sweat when I masturbate, and this ‘sex’ business felt like a horribly boring workout. How is that supposed to feel good?
I pulled out, and she gave me a hand job for ten long seconds. She then stopped and said, “That’s not normal!”
“I don’t know what’s going on!” I answered, “It’s my first time!”
We gave up trying. Angry, I left her alone in bed and took a shower to remove the sweat, oh and to jerk myself to an orgasm. I didn’t even bother doing it in her presence. I don’t think she came, nor did I know how a female orgasm looked like.
Maybe the second day will be better.
The next day, in the evening, I messaged her and called her over and over again until past midnight, but she never picked up the phone or answered my texts. I went alone to the room where I cried, and watched random videos. A day later, I flew back home, and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was going to be impossible to get laid in Lebanon.
“I was afraid of getting attached to you,” she told me after I left the US.
I never saw her again.